Emptied

It was another lonely night, the sky was and has been my faithful companion. I rushed on my balcony to engage in another fantasy as the smiling moon and the beautiful clusters of star provided me with an opportunity to escape my doom and gloom of reality. I have been in quarantine for many months battling so many things, it has been a rending and mending process; wounded yet healing gracefully. It was like entering my kitchen on a long day; fatigued and famished, wanting food, a long warm bathe and a good night’s rest but only to open the refrigerator to see… NOTHING! No food. Empty! I searched the sky that night, I did not see the moon and I could not see a star in sight. A complete nightmare! I wondered if that was even possible. It has been raining all day but the showers had ended yet the clouds were still hanging and hiding my faithful friends. It was in that moment, truth echoed; even the faithful forgets and fails. I had nothing in that moment, I was completely and undeniably emptied. After tossing and turning through the night, the dawn of a new day gave me new meaning and brought new hope, in that moment I realized that I was right where God wanted me to be. I have been praying for so many things which I could only attain if my vessel was emptied, purged and positioned. The process was about to start…

God was breaking me in so many different places, simultaneously. Imagine one fall resulting in broken ribs, hands and feet. The pain? Excruciating. The process? Most uncomfortable. As a trying student trusting the Teacher at work I yielded my brokenness. I waited patiently as He led me through my own version of ‘the valley of the shadow of death’. After all, restoration would followed, at least that was my hope.

HEART TRANSPLANT

I woke one morning by the touch of a surgeon. He had the kindest smile and he spoke quite politely. His voice was melodious, even though his words were grave, he gave consolation effortlessly as the peace in his eyes danced with his words. He explained that I have been unconscious for quite some time and that I needed to do a heart transplant because… ah, let’s say the one I had was failing. He said it might have been chance but he doesn’t believe in that, he said it was fate because I had a donor who was my complete match. He said the heart has been ready waiting for me before I even fell ill. I was puzzled but at peace because his eyes were all I focused on. After explaining the procedure he asked if I understood, I nodded my head with a smirk and in response he gently squeezed my shoulder as a sign that we agreed and were on the same page.

As I waited the two hours before surgery, there were myriads of thoughts that flashed through my mind. Memories of friends and family twirled back and forth as I tried to remain optimistic. I have been praying for a heart like Thine for a long time, I always knew mine was not alright. Someone had told me, I can’t remember who, that I was unforgiving and it would destroy me soon. I did not agree because I did not understood. My ability to push pass the actions of my offenders and to have peace about the situation was not enough. I was not restorative! I became indifferent to people who hurt me, it was like a second nature. I kept my offenders at bay not willing to experience a repeat. I have lost many good friendships due to that, and now… I may even lose my life. This infection called unforgiveness was now spreading all over my heart and it was no longer pumping blood properly, which caused my system to constantly clogged up and my body sluggish.

The time came and my faith was faced with my fate, I whispered words of consolation and I prayed that God would see me through. The doctors pushed me along the long lonely ward corridor to the surgical room. Again, I saw him! His smile stood out among the medical team. He called me by name and told me he was the leading doctor on the team. I cannot remember seeing anything as peaceful as those dark glassy eyes. He told me that I was going to get a general anesthesia that would make me unconscious through the surgery, he told me to count to 10, I cannot remember passing the number 6.

Again, awaken by His gentle touch almost 6 hours later. I was now on the ward in a private room. His smile somehow seemed brighter and I wondered why. He told me that I was a good patient and he had no problem working on me. The surgery was a success. He did not have to tell me, I could feel the change in my body. It was not just a new heart, it was a new life, a new start! I could not move freely yet, something jumped and danced in me. I felt an explosion in my lower abdomen; it was the Holy Ghost and fire! I spent three weeks on the ward under observation and special care. The day before I was discharged, the kind doctor came to instruct me on living going hence forth. He told me that if I resorted to my old ways that I’d become infected and it will spread again. He gave two sets of medication; one to prevent and another to intervene and fight against the infection should it return. The first one was LOVE. He said it covered all things, he said if I applied it perfectly unforgiveness would never be named within me again. Then He pulled out the other from his medical coat, I saw the name in bold; REPENTANCE. He said should you feel or see any symptoms of the virus apply this, follow the instructions how to take it and you can never go wrong.

I sat up in the bed and shook his hands, I thanked him for a job well done. As I fumbled through my mind to call his name I realized that I did not know it. I gazed in disbelief for a few seconds but he called me back to reality. He asked me if I was okay, as I was wearing a blank look. “What is your name?” I asked. With his face painted with his infectious smile, he turned around his name tag, it read JESUS. “I am both author and finisher, that is, both donor and surgeon.” He replied. I was never to be the same again. Prayers answered, a heart like Thine is mine! Phase 1 completed.

Renewed Mind

Two months after my surgery I realized that my thoughts were jumbled and it affected my speech and communication. My constant errors and failures to communicate my ideas properly led me into isolation. I started feeling like a loser, a complete incompetent individual not able to accurately express their mere emotions and thoughts. The negative words and criticisms that were uttered over my life became a web that held me down, I was now bewildered and bitter. I tried to push pass the feelings yet my efforts were to no avail. I listened and memorized all compliments that I received in an attempt to rid myself of the toxic chemicals of criticism that were deteriorating the cells of my brain and distorting my view of self; “I am a nobody“. The lies echoed. I tried to perform my daily tasks but was often compared directly and indirectly to others who were ‘better’ than I was. How did I get here? Where had I gone wrong? This battle I was constantly losing would never end it seemed, but somehow I could hear the words spoken by my Sunday school teacher; “Nay, in all these things you are more than a conqueror.” I held on confidently to those words and hoped for a better tomorrow.

It was obvious that something was wrong with me, my performance was way below average and my plumb line indicated that my intelligence was bent beyond repair. Family and friends became concerned thus someone recommended a psychologist. The online sessions began. I became intrigued by her consistent attire of pure white and how pleasant she always appeared. I questioned this in my mind, not that I was bothered as her angelic look on my computer screen was something I looked forward to. We spoke at length of my childhood and my current state. Her ability to actively listen, be non-judgmental and offer unconditional positive regard at all times was beyond my comprehension. Needless to say, I enjoyed the sessions. She knew exactly what was happening to me. I was poisoned by the criticism. Faith comes by hearing and so does doubt, low self esteem and self-confidence. What we hear affects how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. After session four I was awaken to this truth.

“How can I be healed of this?” I questioned. “Forget those things which are behind and press towards the prize that lies ahead.” She responded without hesitation. I was also challenged to study the scriptures and memorize the truth of who I am and the promises God has in store for me. Having received the tools needed to overcome this struggle the counselling relationship came to an end. I asked for the for my balance and the account information to make the deposit. She replied with a smile; and said “You have been paid for in full, after all, are we not ministering spirits to the heirs of salvation?” Before I could respond she ended the call.

“Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” ( HEBREWS 13:2, NIV )

Consistently trodding the path of accepting validation through the scriptures soon the negative, foolish and vain ideologies I once held were falling off. I understood what the Apostle Paul meant when he encouraged the believers to lay aside the weight and sin that easily besets, I was doing just that. My thought patterns changed and that started a revolution for what came next. As the scriptures became my meal for meditation, my source of identity and my consolation God was able to deposit fresh revelation into my system. I was thinking differently. I started applying scriptures and now experiencing the liberation that Christ provides for them that are His. I have accessed the mind of Christ. How could I remain the same? Phase 2, completed!

A New Language

“Faith is the keys of the kingdom but faith is also voice of the kingdom!” I smiled as the teacher taught the Bible study. Having been through surgery and therapy I have reorganized my life, I am now making the main thing the main thing. Daily meeting with the brethren and being present for fellowship I am being sharpened by the brethren. Their experiences and the work God was doing in earthen vessels were motivation for me as I endured my own process. There was always something new and challenging.

One day as we gathered for prayer we were challenged to change our language, to put a way our beggarly ways when we approach God and to take dominion for we are sons and daughters of the King. We were challenged to pray and speak in the affirmative, to call things that are not as though they were. Faith became the language of communication. Declaring the peace of God in our land and over our situation. Speaking life where there is death. Accessing providence for our daily needs. We were no longer tossed to and fro with winds of emotions, we were rooted in faith. It became clear to me that God was doing a progressive work. When I was thinking faith it became natural for me to speak faith; to live faith!

“..But my righteous one will live by faith…” (Hebrews 10:38, NIV)

I thought I was losing my intelligence but the Lord was taking me to a level of brokenness so I could accept the foolishness of faith. Faith has a tendency of opposing everything that is logical and rational, and I wouldn’t fully receive what God had to offer me if I didn’t get that enlightenment. I speak confidently by faith because of who God is and what He has been to me. Phase 3? Finished!

Vulnerability = Power

“He made himself of no reputation…” a constant echo in my consciousness. I wonder what nugget God was giving me from this. In a moment of silence just another moment of reflection, He made known to me the secrets of my heart. It amazes me how much He knows me, better than I know myself. I was reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend and suddenly He broke the silence and started speaking. What was ordinary became a monumental moment in my history. It was like a mirror was placed in front me and I was seeing who I truly was.

I have been holding on dearly to the expectations of others; the “do not accept this” and the “this is the way it should be”. So consumed with those philosophies I could not discern the will of God for my own situation. God had confirmed His plans for me on many occasions but I was too stubborn committed to what I have been taught; “I should not accept this deviation, this cannot be God.” My constant cry. This commitment to people’s expectation not only hindered me from doing the will of God, it also crippled my ability to be vulnerable thus not extending grace.

I seldom if ever broke down before others. I don’t expose my weaknesses. I was not fully transparent. I was not willing to expose all of me and be vulnerable for others to take advantage of me. I had a reputation. I have a character image to protect. I cannot afford anything or anyone to ruin my ‘identity’. It was not self preservation. I have built walls to protect myself, but end up blocking the will of God by my own walls of protection.

I saw my folly and I had to make amends. I vowed in that moment to reconstruct my life. I started by removing the walls. I gave myself to the Lord, let Him be my protection. He said a disciple should first deny himself, I am learning to deny myself, my will and the expectations of others and allow His will to prevail. Being vulnerable requires added grace, and with the grace I have received I too have become a dispenser of grace. I glory in weakness vulnerability for in this I experience great grace, and the potency of this grace makes me powerful! I choose to be vulnerable. Phase 4… Work-in-progress!

Crossing over to the ‘Other Side’

I believe in this season the church of God is positioned for transition. God is about to take us over to another side on our journey and in this dispensation. This is both personal and general. The body of Christ is being challenged to act in faith and to demonstrate what we have been preaching all these years. However, as individuals, God is doing a work in our lives. God is fixing, healing, empowering and revealing. We can become distracted by the news, the crowd or the voices in our heads or arise and take a stand. This is a challenging season worldwide but the church is known to excel and multiply under pressure.

“And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.” (Matthew 11:12. KJV)

Now they which were scattered abroad upon the persecution that arose about Stephen travelled as far as Phoenicia, and Cyprus, and Antioch, preaching the word to none but unto the Jews only. And some of them were men of Cyprus and Cyrene, which, when they were come to Antioch, spake unto the Greeks, preaching the Lord Jesus. And the hand of the Lord was with them: and a great number believed, and turned unto the Lord. Then tidings of these things came unto the ears of the church which was in Jerusalem: and they sent forth Barnabas, that he should go as far as Antioch. Who, when he came, and had seen the grace of God, was glad, and exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord. For he was a good man, and full of the Holy Ghost and of faith: and much people was added unto the Lord. (Acts 11:19-24, KJV)

God through this pandemic has gotten the attention of His creation and if we position ourselves we will be a part of the wind of revival that will happen hereafter. There can be an unprecedented move of God, just as Pentecost. The secret? Tarry in prayer! Share the gospel. Repentance. Faith, it gets God’s attention. Be consistent. Heaven will respond. The Lord is a Rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.

I know I spoke of my experiences in a melodramatic way but be sure to note that God has really met with me these few months. My life has been transformed. There have been many teachable moments. My struggles with unforgiveness (matters of the heart), self confidence (mental battles), speaking in faith and being vulnerable are some of the things that have been addressed as I conversed, prayed, fellowshipped and meditated during these months of quarantine. It has been a personal journey of revival and I am ready to cross over into my promise!

What unfulfilling characteristic, habit, expectation, perspective or attitude do you need to be emptied of? God has given you this period to reflect and draw closer. May you amidst the chaos experience His peace that you may learn His ways.

Families are forced to spend time together. How uncomfortable and torturing it is for some! However, broken relationships can be mended, friendships can be restore, time to linger in God’s presence that busy schedules did not allowed for can be accomplished. Invest your time wisely!

Switch off the panic button and turn on prayer mode!

A revival is coming, I believe wholeheartedly. I trust we will all be ready.

The paradox; “losing to gain” is really what this Christian journey is about. As we continue our earthly pilgrimage, for this specific season lose yourself and find it in Jesus. Be emptied of the weight and sin, your revival and restoration shall follow. Shalom.