Facing Giants- Part 6

The Giant of Masturbation

Are there any skeleton hidden in your closet? Take a minute, check that secret drawer, what do you see? I have heard it said, a problem shared is half solved. I am becoming a believer of that statement. It amazes me how the devil can use the little things we hold in secret against us whilst skillfully guiding us by the hand down the road of condemnation and ultimately destruction. Do you want to break free? Here is a testimony of one who broke the chains of slavery by saying no to secrecy. Enjoy!

“What if it never goes away?” The thought I battled with in secret for many years.

For as long as I can remember I’ve resented myself, never accepting who I am, never seeing myself as worthy, always comparing myself with others. Growing up I never did fit in and the bullies at school did not fail to point that out. My physique was trashed daily as was my personality, I never spoke about it to anyone. My mother was a single parent to three at the time and her main priority was always to provide for us financially and so my emotional needs weren’t met. When she was working (which was often) I’d play the mother. I never had anyone to speak to about these things as a child, so I turned to unhealthy coping methods. One of which happened to be masturbation.

I still remember the how it all begun, I was watching TV very late one night and while scrolling through the channels I stumbled on a channel displaying pornography and instead of skipping the channel I sat and watched. I was so enticed that I went back not once nor twice but night after night when I knew everyone was asleep just to watch. Eventually, I didn’t just watch anymore, I began to experiment. This then became a method of temporary escape/release. It was years ago and so some parts are a bit blurry but I do remember stopping after I got saved in my second year of high school. Sadly, that didn’t last, the bullying had followed me to high school and to make things worse the children at church began to bully me as well. The feeling of rejection and loneliness plagued me. It was within that same time that I began reading adult books and engaged in a relationship with a man who was about 11 years my senior. They both acted as a temporary escape from my thoughts, from the pain and the responsibilities. The man at the time was a trusted family friend that worked in the same vicinity as my school so I convinced my mother that it would make sense if I just traveled to and from school with him. As mentioned, my mother was a single parent and though she focused on providing financially sometimes it just wasn’t enough, there were days when we’d have to skip school to eat and days when we’d go to bed dinnerless. She saw no harm in it. Soon enough this man and I began engaging in sexual activities and I found myself masturbating literally almost every day.

Throughout that time, whenever I wasn’t distracted I was crying because I knew that my actions were wrong so I’d spend countless nights unable to sleep as guilt ridded my body. I felt worthless, undeserving, foolish. Those nights of crying and constant reflection often ended with me praying for a way out. Eventually, God, through UCAM gave me a change in perspective, a change in friends which was exactly what I needed to end the relationship in my first semester of college. Though the relationship had ended I found myself still engaging in masturbation months after. That was 2017.

Fast forward three years and some cycles later and here I am, still fighting the urges. I remember reading something Lizzette once wrote: “The enemy takes advantage of things we hold in secret and cripples us by magnifying those things” and that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t share this with anyone I had already been rejected so many times and still struggling to accept myself that I thought speaking would’ve just made things worst. I kept it a secret and it started affecting me in all areas of my life, often leaving me with the question “What if this never goes away?”. I found myself running to it whenever I couldn’t handle all that was happening in my life. I tried to stop many times, there were even times when I thought I had overcame but I’d always end up doing it again. I condemned myself all those years, I hated myself for always doing it. Masturbation had taken up so much of my brain space that I couldn’t sit comfortably in church, school, home, I couldn’t pray because I thought God was upset with me, I wanted to be punished for continuously making the same foolish mistake. I feared that I wouldn’t ever be able to stop. To make things worse I was now very active and holding multiple positions in both church and UCAM, I could always smile and pretend everything was okay but I’d immediately break down once I was alone. Those smiles would fade and I’d once again be enslaved by guilt, depression, anxiety, fear, hatred, suicidal thoughts and condemnation. My relationships all across the board were affected as I begun shutting people out. On April 16, 2019 I remember reading a blog post written by Lizzette Burke entitled: “Breaking the Cycles” I immediately broke down afterwards and I didn’t hesitate to reach out. That’s when I shared my story in its entirety and I was offered a different perspective, I was encouraged, I was reminded of the Word of God. These sessions allowed me to listen, the voices in my head no were no longer louder than the voice of God and so even when I fell short, God, through Romans 8:35-39 would constantly remind me that nothing can separate me from His love, I am reminded that I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. That scripture has kept me going, it restored hope that this giant could indeed be laid to rest and for that I fight daily and I am confident that one day once and for all masturbation will be a script recorded in my history.

How have I been fighting?

  1. I believe every healing process begins not just with genuine repentance but with faith (Mark 5:34 “And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace,and be whole of thy plague”) we must believe that God is able to do that which we’re asking Him to. I fought with this for a long time as I was just so used to going against my words (one last time) that I thought even with prayer and fasting choosing whether I obey or not would be completely up to me and I always chose wrong. But God reminded me that He died that I might live, that I might be changed from the inside out. He said “I am greater than your choices” and Hebrews 4:12-13 constantly reminds me that no one is impervious to God’s word.
  2. I was honest and open about the situation, both with myself and God and confession soon became my friend. I began trying to find the source and God revealed to me the reason behind my actions so I now knew where to start.
  3. I am currently still praying, fasting and developing an appetite for the Word.

I’m not sure where in your journey you are but If you haven’t done them yet here are a few things I think might help:

  1. Get Godly counselling, James 5:16 encourages us to confess our faults to one another and pray or one another that we may be healed! Speaking up opens a door for a prayer partner! An accountability partner!
  2. Identify your triggers and avoid them
  3. Celebrate the small victories, it’s easy to think we’ve made no progress when we fail to acknowledge it. Celebrate and learn to encourage yourself.
  4. Make conscious decisions and watch your diet, that is, the things that you allow yourself to see and listen to.

Where ever and whoever you are your story may have begun differently, your giant might not even be sexual but the beautiful thing about all this is that regardless of the giant, regardless of the journey we all have one common cure; Jesus died once and for all, His blood still wash away sin stains. He promises healing and restoration. Always remember greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world (1 John 4:4). I am a giant slayer and by faith my giant of masturbation is defeated! Are you a giant slayer? Kill that giant! – Anonymous.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank You for being my Advocate. Thank You for Your unfailing never ending love towards me. I am constantly messing up, constantly wavering and always choosing to give in to the temptations, but oh how You love me! You still leave the ninety and nine and run after a messed up me. Lord, help me to break this cycle. Help me once and for all to turn from my wicked self destructive ways. I need strength, I need guidance, I need Your help! I don’t want to fight alone, I cannot face this giant on my own so please lead me to the right person who will pour in the oil and the wine in my broken wounded soul. Grant me honesty, I am tired of faking it and not making it. Let the Spirit of truth be my sword. Cultivate in me a desire to please only You. Help me move forward today, tomorrow strengthen me to continue without looking back and the days that follow grant me grace to choose to please You even more. Equip me so I can fight this good fight of faith and lay hold of eternal life. Amen.

He is the God of the broken! People are healing everyday, why won’t you join them in experiencing God’s divine healing and deliverance. Please feel free to connect with me at lisaneeburke@gmail.com, by the grace of God I am willing and ready to help you slay your giant! You don’t want to miss what happens next, stay tuned for next in the series. God bless you!

6 thoughts on “Facing Giants- Part 6

    1. I’ve had a similar struggle but it completely left me after I received the ministry of deliverance. The demon of masturbation and others left my genitals and body and I am now free! I no longer have any urges or appetite for the things/sins I used to helplessly commit. Because after my deliverance I had to maintain my freedom by feeding my spirit and soul with the word of God to guard my heart and mind from those openings or doors that led to my prior state. But deliverance first starts with confession which exposes those demons and they are now forced to go in the name of Jesus Christ! I hope this helps someone.. God bless you.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I am so thankful for this piece. Very honest and transparent. Dear writer, you have no idea how many lives will be delivered and transformed by this.

    May the good Lord continue to bless you and pray that one day you will completely SLAY YOUR GIANT!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am grateful for this pure words of truth and encouragement I can now say I am a giant slayer to God be the Glory He indeed knows how to encourage His people and how to use experience to teach us new things..

    Liked by 1 person

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