Facing Giants – Part 4

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The Giant called ‘Heartbreak’

“The first love is the deepest.” I am sure we have heard this song once or twice before. But is it really so? The real question for some is; can we find love after a heartbreak or can we even live after a breakup? If you have ever experienced the tragedy of a heartbreak you will understand how deeply affected one can become. Give ear to this slayer and see what lessons can be learnt from her experiences.

While some would have considered my growing up years as next to ideal, and at some point I also thought they were, the somewhat confused environment I was exposed to made me very distrustful, yet quite decisive on matters concerning personal development and even exploration.

While the initial reason for me being partially raised by an aunt in a neighbouring district was as a result of financial distress on the part of my parents. Loneliness on the part of my aunt whose only child was now an adult and about leave the nest of home, was also a contributing factor. As I grew older, I developed my own personal reason. It was an easy and convenient way to learn life’s ropes in my own little way. Of course, it proved the fact that I was a stubborn and independent child; traits that drove my parents to spank me a few times.

Although, during the constant movement, intricate adult monitoring became less. I have a brother who is two (2) years my senior and while together, he was my best ‘parrie’. He taught me how to make toy trucks from old juice boxes and bottle caps; kites from plastic (scandal) bag and the spines of leaves from coconut branches – tearing up mommy’s bed sheets so we could make the kite tails; among others. He was very handy and taught himself many skills like plumbing, construction, carpentry and the like and I was always there nosing around despite his annoyance at me being too “nuff”. Well, thankfully, today he is proud that I can now ‘help myself’ in these areas. Although, my father always discouraged me from participating in boyish activities because they would somehow make me pregnant, even at the age of seven (7), especially whenever my brother’s male friends were around.

I played dolly house, hide and seek and mamma lashy with other girls in the community but my greatest pleasure was always to play bat and ball, marbles and video games with the boys. Of course, whenever my dad caught me, it was always a sharp rebuke using scriptures; some of which I now think he made up.

No one offered explanations for most of the instructions they gave. No one asked me questions neither was the opportunity given for me to ask questions. My family was strict, the rules were clear yet I was not very supervised. I understood from early that I could not voice my concerns with my family and I lived accordingly.

Though very friendly in the public’s eyes, I did not have many friends in my personal circle. I could easily keep up with conversations in public but that was as far as they went. I was a loner. When I was in high school, a guy at church became my closest friend. I was young and naïve so we never really saw eye to eye. He wanted us to get married when I grew older but I was never truly interested. I knew that our personal and spiritual interests were not on the same wave length. Moreover, I was too young to even figure out the path my life was supposed to take. Not to mention that it was both a physical and verbally abusive relationship; resulting in me often being threatened with a weapon. But with the constant need to be attached to someone, the conundrum lasted for a few years.

By the time I got to college, I became more aware of what I really wanted in a spouse and the shape I wanted my life to take. I was more spiritually conscious and was actively serving in various ministries. I walked away from the relationship but eventually met another guy on Facebook who, at first, became my study partner.

He said it must have been fate that allowed me to add him on Facebook because after seeing me for the first time at a camp, when he left the gathering he was not able to stop thinking or telling his friends about me. We were both members of a campus club. Though we attended separate colleges, events hosted by the club allowed us to meet up at least twice every semester and sometimes if we are lucky, more. Other times, we went on dates during the holidays. We started out as just casual friends. At the time, I was preparing for my exams and final assignments for a particular course. Fortunately for me, he majored in that area and he offered to assist me. It continued like that for a while, him helping me with assignments. After a while, he made his intentions known that he was interested in a relationship that would lead to marriage. He was speaking my language because after one bad relationship, I had decided not to date casually. Relationships were to be taken seriously with marriage being the short-term goal.

I consulted my Pastor at the initial stage to get his advice on whether or not this person was for me. My Pastor’s response was very vague and very insufficient. He said; “you know the boundaries, ensure you don’t cross them. You will know if this person is right for you if you both are able to maintain the boundaries.” At that time I was presumptuous, I thought sexual intercourse (being penetrated by the penis) was the only way I would cross the boundary. Though uncomfortable at first, the relationship started getting physically romantic; kissing, fondling and petting. I was okay with it for a while because in my head I was not crossing the boundary. I think it would have been worse for us had it not been a long distance relationship.

We dated for five years. How was it? We were constantly arguing, our personalities were clashing and evidently it wasn’t working out. I made myself believe that all the warning signals were going to be fixed after marriage, or the problems were as a result of us being far apart. I was misguided by an older person about the repayment of my student loans and as such I started investing a lot of my financial resources pooling with this young man to buy furniture to secure our future plans of getting married. I thought things would get better for us when I got a job opportunity to start working and living in closer proximity to this young man. It didn’t. It made things worse.

We started having trust issues, telling each other to let go off certain friendships; his girlfriends and my male friends. It was becoming more and more unhealthy. I started feeling trapped because the demands became more and more unreasonable. I was expected to spend my salary less important things, to the point of neglecting certain personal financial obligations. I often withheld from my family and friends who needed assistance because most of my resources were spent on the relationship.

At some point I thought, maybe we need to see a counsellor or speak with a pastor but he constantly refused. Or, in the moment he agreed and then at last minute he cancelled the arrangements. This was getting too much so I did what I should have done. I prayed deeply about the situation.

Funnily, I’ve always prayed about the direction the relationship was heading but I’ve just been too stubborn to listen whenever God answered. I found every reason not to accept His response. I somehow thought I was being too impatient and that I needed to stop running from every difficult situation I meet upon. I blamed myself for being the reason for our arguments: that I was inadequate, I needed to loosen up a little. But, regardless of my self-blame, the Holy Ghost never ceased to warn me. But I was too afraid to just let go of all my emotional and financial investment to just walk away and start all over again. I wondered what was happening to us, though I had absolutely no reason to because the truth was staring me in my face. “This wasn’t it!”

One of the very clear signs that this relationship was going nowhere was his refusal to speak with my Pastor about us getting married. After all, this is a good way to be guided, especially when you are a member of church and know that your Pastor is spiritually connected and has your best interest at heart. He made no attempts, despite me mentioning it many times. Clearly, something was up.

Finally, God just took control of the situation. I guess it’s just one of those times when He just slaps you into order before you wreck yourself. He allowed the guy to break up with me. And, at first, I was okay with it but after a while the thoughts of embarrassment, failure, and inadequacy started to plague me. I stopped eating properly, I stopped functioning properly at work. In my pain and confusion, I twisted scriptures to my advantage just to console myself that he was going to come back to me or that I should chase him.

I got high on gospel songs fixing the lyrical content to suit me. I went into warfare prayer for him. One night as I went on and on in an intense warfare prayer for him then I heard the audible voice of God calling me by name and telling me stop the foolishness. I quickly got up off my knees and inspected my surrounding to see if someone else was there, when my doubts were confirmed, I knew that it was God Himself. I crawled into bed and covered myself under the sheet. I did not cry, I just laid there blank until I fell asleep.

I made many attempts to reconcile the relationship but in retrospect and honesty, I was not fighting for the relationship because I knew it was not right for me. I was fighting to prove that I was not less than any other girl he would have traded me for.

It was very hard for me due to the efforts I had put into it, however, like Paul though slightly different, what I lost became greater gain for in the midst of the weight loss, devastation and emotional trauma, I made friends with a backslider. She was my only friend and my safe place. God used me in my brokenness to minister to her and she came back to Christ and is still there presently. She could definitely relate for she had been in a similar place so many times before.

If I be honest, the real giant was not getting over the heartbreak but coming to terms to accept and appreciate who I am. I was ready and willing to put myself in the most inconvenient and disastrous situation, being prepared to lose my life to someone I knew was not right for me.

The recovery phase was one of the best times I had in my walk with Jesus. I learned how God speaks to me and even now I am learning to listen to His directives. Some persons are stuck in thinking that the only voice of God available in today is the Bible but as a young Christian we can hear God speak to us in different ways, that break-up led me into a deeper relationship with Jesus and allowed me to experience and hear the voice of God outside of t.he scriptures.

More constant and intense prayer became my best friend. I have also learnt to build meaningful friendships and I’m now able to minister to others with more grace and the spirit of reconciliation.

Having killed the giant, I have learnt that God is interested in our love life, the persons we date and ultimately those we get married to. God is interested and as such we should get Him involved and seek His guidance. I am now happily married, God has blessed me with a good man. Many will disagree with me on this but my experience has afforded me enough wisdom to say that God desires to reveal His will to those who pursue it. Accountability and the involvement of family and friends in your relationship is of vital importance. My family and friends did not state their dislike of this young man until after the break up. It was then that I heard all the unfortunate tales of how they did not think he was right for me. They may not have said this to me before because of my desires and not wanting to hurt me, or maybe because I did not seek their opinion. They were only nice to him because of me. What can I say? Don’t be like me, ask God, your family and friends for their opinion. Save yourself the hassle, the time, emotional trauma and financial setbacks. – Anonymous.

Prayer: Lord, You have been better to me than I have been to myself. Thank You for unanswered prayers, for wrecking my plans instead of wrecking my life. You allowed my heart to be broken so I can experience Your wholeness, I thank You! Lord, allow me to have eyes to see the things You want me to see and blind my eyes from the things that will destroy my walk with You. Give me a will that is willing to reverence and obey Your every command. Teach me to be accountable to those You have set over me. Help me to be responsible, take me off the edge and teach me to remain committed and consistent. I want to be completely Yours. I want to be a fervent believer. Let me honour You with my decisions, with my love life and my sexual urges. I want to see Your plans reveal in me. Let me not hinder Your move, keep me out of the way of Your divine appointments. Though it cause me grief and pain, I know I will find my life again so let me lose myself and find it Lord in Thee. Amen.

There is happiness after deep sorrows, there is life after death and yes, there is true love after a breakup! Anything and everything placed in the hands of God will eventually become beautiful. After all, He makes EVERYTHING beautiful in His time. Catch us next time to hear what the next slayer in the series will say! Shalom.