Better Than Before

Battle with Fear
I grew up being very fearful of the dark. If I was alone at home, I would turn on all the lights just to feel safe and to have a peace of mind. I was fearful of having pictures in my room at nights. There was one specific calendar with a photograph that hanged on the wall, each time I looked at the photograph it was looking back at me, everywhere I went in the room the photograph was looking at me. It was terrifying. I would cover it up or use the broom to hit it. The extreme was when I stabbed the photo in rage warning it not to look at me. I was also afraid of sleeping alone, whenever I did I would lock the room door with the keys, and no matter how hot the night was I would wrap up under the covers from head to toe. Thankfully, I was delivered from all my fears having accepted Jesus and understanding the power of the Holy Ghost. However, tragedy struck me and I was crippled again by fear.

In 2016 I resigned my job on the premise that I would start my own business after my fundraising concert. Everything was going well with my plans. On August 27th of the same year was the night of my concert. It was expected to be a Holy Ghost explosion. I was at the venue early with family and friends ensuring that everything was in place. Just few minutes before the expected time to start I began feeling anxious. I called together a group of my friends and we joined hands in prayer. My spirit was lifted. As soon as we ended praying there was an all island block out. “This is a test,” I smiled to myself and said assuring the others that electricity will soon be back. I instructed them to begin the service on time as planned. At the time I was oblivious to the fact that it was an all island block out, I thought it was only in the vicinity and neighbouring communities. There was no generator at the venue and some of my friends started calling around to source one, every step forward there was a challenge that made it impossible. I started getting phone calls of cancellation. I was believing God for a miracle but after a while I broke down in tears and had to be consoled by one of my dearest friends.

The electricity came back towards the ending of the night when we were wrapping up. Not many persons were in attendance, my expectations were not met. I was encouraged by my family and friends that God had a plan. The Word for the night was from a song by Travis Greene—Intentional. Wow! All things are working for my good, for He is an intentional God. Just perfect! I believed that for one day. The Monday morning when the reality hit me that I was no longer working and I had bills to pay, I panicked. Fear took me over. I have seen many miracles from there but I have had many anxiety attacks in between. I experienced intense fear so much so that, I could not stay at home. I would often go by University of Technology’s chapel service just to escape my reality. Some days I would go by Hope Gardens to pray but I end up crying the time away. I lost a lot of weight because I was not eating, I was worried for my life. I never knew I would make it through that period of my life. I literally lived day by day because I had no hope for tomorrow.

Perfect Love Drives Out Fear

The 14th of February 2017 I was tormented by fear. At the time I was owing bills and could not conceive a way out. My landlady at the time was not the one to owe. She was very scandalous just to say the least. The thoughts of how she would embarrass me plagued me. I remember attending chapel service that day desiring a breakthrough, a reason to hope. They were discussing love, one point that came across emphatically was the fact that perfect love casts out fear; therefore, the presence of fear is an indication that one does not possess perfect love. I remember raising my hand in my brokenness indicating that I had a request. The young lady leading the service took note of my hand and told me to speak. I got up with tears running down my face, I confessed that fear had taken me over and I needed prayer for perfect love. It was in that service God started my process of healing as my sisters in Christ laid hands and prayed in the Holy Ghost for me. It was my responsibility thereafter to constantly pray and fast for perfect love and a life void of fear. God has answered my prayer.

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A Flip of the Script
On August 27th 2017 I found myself in New Jersey, United States of America seated in the company of wonderful people celebrating a birthday; a joyous occasion in an atmosphere perfumed with love, peace and contentment. This was nothing short of a miracle! As I sat at the dinning table eating and enjoying good company the Lord reminded me of a year before where I stood at a failed concert crying with little to no hope of survival, attending school and completely void of the idea of traveling. He reminded me of the words of the song; “ALL things are working for my good, He is intentional.” I was all smiles at the wonderful works of God. All of my good days outweighed my bad days, I refuse to complain.

The one year period between August 27th 2016 to August 27th 2017 I experience highs and many lows. I knew what it felt like to have no money to my name. I have on more than one occasions ate my last meal not knowing where the next meal would come from. I received more bills than thrills, but God is faithful! I knew what it was like for people to make deposit to my account without me asking. I have had people showing up at my house with groceries. I have seen favour flooding my life both from men and God. I saw miracles and wonders. I never faced one test alone, My Abba Father was constantly present with me. I never went to bed one night not eating unless it was a deliberate choice to do so.

An Answer to My Prayer

Today, August 27th has become a very special day to me, not only because it reminds me of God’s intentional acts and proving that all things eventually work for good but it is also a day I pause to celebrate the life of the man of God who the Lord has placed in my life as an answer to my prayers.

I grew up alienated from my father and his family due to my father’s decision. After the announcement of my conception my father fled the scene and my mother was left to take care of me all by herself. She did so gracefully. Let me just pause to celebrate my superwoman of a mother; Coral McFarlane, yuh ratings tall! Big up yuhself Mommy. Anyways, I remember only three occasions where I saw my father upon until the age of 23 years old and even now I can count all the times I have seen my father, and they have not exceeded 10 times.

My first encounter with my father was about age 5 or 6. It was a Sunday evening, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at my cousin’s shop in my community watching the some men play a game of dominoe. I remember my big sister and aunt came running breathlessly and telling me that my father was at the house to see me. My childlike brain was clueless, their excitement and enthusiasm led me to tears. I started crying because I did not know what to do. After a while, I recall being held by my dad as he promised me many beautiful things, things I looked forward to but never got. I lived my life expecting the things that my dad promised me. I remembered at the age of 23 I was crying to God expressing to him that I was still desiring the things my dad said he would have given me even though at that age they were of no value to me.

Now you now can just imagine how I was hurting . I did not know this until after my 23rd birthday. I remember expressing to my counselor that I wanted my father to be in my life so much. After all the years of absence and seemingly living happily there came an unquenchable desire for the presence of my father. I wanted him more than any thing else in life. I remember around the same time the desire had arose, a trip was planning that would take me near by my father’s place of residence. I called him and told him when I was expected to get there and my desire to see him. My friends would tell you about my 23 year old self who counted down the days of the trip in anticipation to meet my dad. It meant the world to me.

I arrived in the community on the Friday night, and I was to meet my dad on the Saturday. I was anxious, nervous, excited and happy all at once. The day I prayed for had finally came. I just wanted to be in the presence of my father, I did not want anything monetary or materialistic, I just wanted his love and affection. However, there was a misunderstanding; apparently my father thought that I was going to spend the entire Saturday with him, however, my intention was to meet with him and then return to the group I went with. After explaining this, my father who was already in a taxi to the location to meet me while I was on the call with him told the taxi driver to let him off while telling me that he does not have time to waste with me. I literally froze! He hanged up in my ears, my attempts to call him back were futile. To say that I was hurt is an understatement. My life shattered as I paused for a while staring at the phone and wondering what had just happened. My heart died and was resurrected.

I have written in details about this account so one day I will post about it. This happened in November 2016. The Father’s Day that followed I was in Virginia and I fell into depression. Everything was so overwhelming; seeing the fathers, hearing the accounts, going to church and listening the sermon, seeing my friends posts about their dads and just watching the happy smiles of the fathers as they celebrate their hard work. I remember coming home from church and crying like a baby. At that time I understood that my desire for a father was bigger than what my father could give, as he is still finding himself. So as I knelt at my bed side, I asked the Lord to send someone to fill the void that was in my heart. I needed peace. I needed a presence that only a father could satisfy. I could not understand it but my longings were real and strong. After surrendering my heart to the Lord, I left my longings at His feet believing He would answer at the time appointed.

During my time in Virginia, I was attending the Pentecostals of Richmond where I was having a time of my life. It was a season of answers, literally. I would walk into the services and something that I asked the Lord years ago would be answered. I was meeting good people and forming lasting bonds. It was during this time I got close to the Service family. Again, I have written about this and will share at the time appointed. But the moment that changed my life forever was when we went shopping for my laptop. When we entered the department store, the sales representative was asking questions about me and what I wanted the laptop for in order to recommend the best one. Mr. Service answered without miss! Like the accuracy was on point, I stood there smiling ear to ear in amazement. Now for the short time we knew each other and for him to be so knowledgeable about me, I was impressed to say the least. What happened after was even more breathtaking. As we walked out of the store, he started giving me strict instructions about the laptop and how to care for it. He went on and on and I was all smiles. Why? I felt in that moment what I never felt before; the love and care of a father. The reality hit home when his wife said; “You’re listening, that’s your father talking.” To them it was but an ordinary day but for me, I was in the realms of the supernatural, that was the answer to my prayers!

I don’t know how God did it. Inexplicable and indescribable but what I felt in that moment erased all the longings in my heart, filled all the voids and left an indelible mark on my heart. God did it! He answered my prayers. He sent a father at the time appointed. And it did not stop there, the Service family continues to be a source of strength and a point of light in my life. My generation will be blessed because of the blessing they are to me. Today I pause in appreciation for the man who made himself a vessel to be used by the God of the universe and to be available for God to use him to be the answer to my prayer. Happy Birthday Mr. Service Dad!

I have learned many lessons but one that echoes loudest is God’s intentional acts in my life. My Sovereign God has all things under His command and under His control. Nothing takes Him by surprise. When I thought I was going to die, He was building character in me. What a God! My fears led me into favour. My fatherlessness opened the door for me to experience God’s providence through the Service family. God flipped the script! He is just that kind of God. We are built to last, we are tailored for difficulties. Give God your fears and walk in complete favour! Let your request be made known unto Him and wait for Him to answer at the time appointed. Let perfect love permeate your heart and allow peace to inhabit your mind. Fear has no residential right in your life! Serve fear notice; “immediate eviction” and invite love to rule and reign over your affairs. For further help to conquer fear please send me an email at lisaneeburke@gmail.com; “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, KJV).

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